Good Friends: Bonds That Change Us and the World is somewhere between a self-help book and a history book, but there isn’t enough of either part to make it fully satisfying. It doesn’t have clear organization, which makes it difficult to see how the information fits together and thus makes it hard to retain. To make my own organization clear, I’ll be discussing the pros and cons of the historical and self-help portions of the book in that order.

PROS of the HISTORICAL PART:

1. The best parts of Good Friends were the parts that gave examples of historical friendships. The author, Priya Vulchi, gave several ancient friendship examples, notably the friendship between the ancient Roman Senator Cicero and his friend Atticus. I had never heard about their friendship and it was very interesting.

2. Most of the other historical friendships were between more recent civil rights activists and authors such as Toni Morrison, James Baldwin, Dr. Martin Luther King and a lesser-known friend that connected many of them, June Jordan. The author also mentioned the unlikely friendship between Malcom X and Yuri Kochiyama.

3. All of the stories about these historical friendships were fascinating.

CONS of the HISTORICAL PART:

1. The only con of the friendship portion of the book is that there wasn’t enough of it. We only get short snippets about the friends, which are then used to illustrate a point about friendship in general. I would have much preferred a book that was just about important historical friendships through the ages. The reader could then take their own lessons from the friendships.

PROS of the INFORMATIONAL PART:

1. One good point that Vulchi made in the book was that capitalism prefer when people are isolated. If everyone is isolated then everyone will have to buy their own copies of everything and businesses make more money. Capitalist societies also encourage independence as a virtue, so that even if you happen to make friends, hopefully you will be too ashamed to ask for help.

2. I liked that Vulchi used the good parts of Aristotle’s ideas about different types of friendship, even though he had some horrible opinions on various topics. But I also appreciated that she wasn’t afraid to criticize the negative aspects of Aristotle’s idea.

CONS of the INFORMATIONAL PART:

1. Sometimes the information was contradictory. Near the beginning of the book Vulchi mentions that friends need to share values (or something like that). But she later gives positive examples of friends who have polar opposite views on important topics.

2. Vulchi is only a few years out of college. Because of this, all her friendships are with young college graduates. Those friendships are often quite different from friendships that you have later in life. So the book just focused on one brief period of some people’s lives.

3. Vulchi holds up friendship as being better than romantic relationships. The way she describes romantic relationships makes it sound like you can’t be friends with your romantic partner. Maybe she has only had unhealthy romantic relationships? For many people, their romantic partner is also their best friend. Though I do agree that your romantic partner shouldn’t be your only friend.

4. At one point, Vulchi realized she was only hanging out with other rich people. She then said that you should be friends with people from different socioeconomic classes from yourself. But she doesn’t mention how one might go about making such friends. And she doesn’t talk about actually making such friends herself.

5. By her own admission, the author and her best friend’s relationship became toxic. That would be fine, other than the fact that their friendship was used throughout the book as a shining example for all to follow. That is, until right at the end when we found out how the friendship went wrong. She should have mentioned at the beginning that their friendship became unhealthy, how it became unhealthy, and how they made it healthy again for transparency since she is setting herself up as a friendship expert.

6. She also says things like “we all do this in friendships”, and I would think, do we? Do we really? Or is that a you thing?

7. In a book about friendship you would think there would be suggestions about how to make friends but there aren’t. In our modern isolated world, making friends as adults isn’t easy, so I would have appreciated some tips.

Thanks to Hachette Audio through NetGalley who allowed me to listen to the book. The narrator, Heni Zoutomou, did an excellent job, and the overall sound and production was good.

I do not know if it is because I haven't read non-fiction in a while or not, but I found myself getting bored and losing focus while reading this book. It started out captivating and with an agreeable and thought-provoking message. By the middle, it felt repetitive in a way that I was asking myself "okay, I agree with you. But what else? Why should I continue to read/listen?" Because I listen to audiobooks while doing chores, going for a walk, etc. At some point, I must have tuned this out as I looked at my phone to realize it had ended and nothing had been playing for a while. It makes it hard to write a review because is it my fault for "not paying attention" or is it the book's fault for not maintaining my attention and letting it wonder elsewhere.

In fiction, if I zone out, I will realize "oh wait, how did this character get over here, let me re-listen to the previous chapter." That being said, I enjoyed the first third of this book, but then lost interest.

I hope that is in some way helpful.

Priya Vulchi's Good Friends quotes bell hook's All About Love, which I read a few weeks ago, which quotes Richard Foster's Freedom of Simplicity, which I read a few weeks before that. Reading might be a solitary activity, but it also connects the reader to a wider discussion. Part of the wider discussion swirling around in the world right now is that progress is rooted in community and joy. Good Friends adds to that conversation with real-world examples. If resistance is led and fed by relationships and laughter, this is a good guidebook to surviving and thriving while working for change. Thank you to Priya Vulchi, narrator Heni Zoutomou, Hachette Audio, and NetGalley for the audioARC.

Friendship is the greatest love story we've been looking for.

Good Friends: Bonds That Change Us and the World by Priya Vulchi

"Friendship is not a secondary peripheral relationship in our lives. Friendship is the standard, the aspiration."

Thank you to Netgalley, Priya Vulchi and Legacy Lit for the Advanced Listener's Copy of the audiobook. I absolutely adored it, agreed that friendship is the greatest love story ever told, and believe many people would benefit from experiencing. (Sad to say I'm not in mutual company based on community reviews, and will use this as a reminder to all to take reviews for non-fic with a grain of salt.)

"Friendships are good, and sometimes they are not. Good friendship is a practice, not a destination."

About 5 minutes into the audiobook, I texted my best friend and told her about how I was listening to this audiobook titled "Good Friends" and how it reminded me of her, how much I loved her, and then proceeded to ask if I was the only one who considered a relationship to be a little queer sometimes. (she is straight, I am not/she also agreed.) I view her as my family and platonic soulmate at the same time. We've been through so much - and to say that any portion of this journey has been easy would be both the biggest lie and the largest disservice to our joint growth. A good and close friendship is so intimate, and intimacy is both vital to successful relationships, but also deemed necessary for humans. We crave it.

"Good friends are intimate thought partners dwelling inside your mental world. You see a friend's favorite snack, and you buy it. You hear a song reminding you of her, and you text her. You mull over an epiphany of hers for weeks..."

I understand the criticisms for the content formatting here - I hear the critics, I do - but I just so happen to not agree with the criticism, to a degree. I understand being sold a false narrative (allegedly) but I promise the ride is worth it. You, maybe, just maybe, will walk away with a new understanding and a broadened outlook on your friendships. Priya Vulchi did her research and put a lot of her heart into this, you can just feel it.

Shoutout to Henriette Zoutomou, for being a great narrator. It is actually incredibly soothing to listen to their voice.


Blurbs:

"From Winona, I learned that friendship means weathering frequent changes, not just personality changes. Friendships change, and temperaments ordinarily, too..."

"No friendship is ordinary, friendships are serendipitous and curious bonds arising under haphazard circumstance."

"Non-possessive love can feel scary, anxiety inducing, because it is uncontrollable. But we are all in a relationship with time. Nobody is exempt."

"You should want friends to feel ample room for change. Able to walk through life's paths in the pursuit of love and justice, unrushed. You want friends to feel supported, not suffocated... To be a good friend, you must also be a friend to yourself."

"Loving yourself cannot happen alone, and loving yourself requires having a self to begin with."