Do you understand the audacity it takes to structure an entire Christmas book around the lyrics of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”? This is not a book. This is a concept album disguised as a holiday manual. It is both a party playlist and a fever dream. Every chapter title is a lyric, and every lyric is a vibe check. I want to shake hands with the editorial team who greenlit this glitter-fueled masterpiece, then thank them for their service to seasonal chaos.

Let me just walk you through what’s happening here. Chapter One: “Rockin’ around the Christmas tree”... FINDING THE PERFECT TREE. We start humble. Wholesome. There’s pine. There’s history. There’s a presidential fact about Calvin Coolidge that makes you go “Huh!” while you sip something cinnamon-scented. You're not just learning how to pick a tree. You're bonding with ghosts of Christmas past through horticulture. Honestly? 10/10 opening move.

By Chapter Two, we're already at “At the Christmas party hop”, which translates to HOSTING CHRISTMAS PARTIES. We are two lyrics deep and already setting up drink stations and guest lists like we’re preparing for a holiday-themed episode of "Top Chef." If Chapter One is “Hallmark Homebody,” Chapter Two is “Martha Stewart woke up and chose peppermint-scented violence.”

Then we get “Mistletoe hung where you can see”, which is, I kid you not, DECORATING WITH MISTLETOE. This chapter sounds like it was brainstormed in a room full of elves hopped up on sugar cookies and old Bing Crosby records. You are not just decorating. You are curating botanical flirtation zones. This is seduction via shrubbery, and it is FABULOUS.

Every single lyric is treated like a mission statement. Chapter 7? “Later we’ll have some pumpkin pie” = YUMMY CHRISTMAS SWEETS. I’m sorry, are you seeing this? The book has a structural payoff. That lyric shows up in the song at exactly the midpoint... which is exactly where the dessert chapter hits. That’s not editing. That’s narrative architecture.

It’s got historical context, DIYs, drink recipes, party planning, relationship advice, and a gingerbread-based judging rubric. And somehow it all flows? I shouldn't be able to follow a through-line from “ornament crafts” to “home greenery installation” to “holiday dance party” without losing my mind, and yet. Here I am. Fully onboard. Rockin’. Around. That. Christmas. Tree.

Also, the intro pages are so aggressively adorable it’s basically emotional blackmail. One minute you're learning about President Franklin Pierce and the first White House Christmas tree. The next you're nodding solemnly like, “Yes, when the tree goes up, the season begins. I understand now.” You’ve been indoctrinated and you like it.

Anyway, I now believe this book should be adapted into a Broadway musical revue starring Brenda Lee, five drag queens, and a live raccoon trained to steal mistletoe off the set. Until that happens, I’ll settle for rereading the chapter titles like they're lyrics to a secret spell that summons peak holiday serotonin.

Merry Mayhem Prize: For Turning a Table of Contents Into a Full-Blown Christmas Anthem Plot Arc

Huge thanks to Harper Celebrate and NetGalley for the ARC, which promptly sent me into full tinsel-hoarding mode. My tree’s not even up yet and I already have judgmental opinions about garland layering. You've created a monster, and she’s holding a cheese ball.