I am writing this review on September 2022. While I did not love the book--it was a three star read for me when I read it--there's no denying how important it is to become allies to the LGBTQ community as our rights are slowly being chipped away.

*received for free from netgalley for honest review* really great important read with a lot of great info and helpful tips

In a world where we are connected in so many ways, our words can be more powerful than ever before. Teaching our children often starts with teaching ourselves. For me, learning about how to be more inclusive and how to be a better ally is a constant work in progress and I am so grateful for books like this.

Raising LGBTQ Allies by Chris Tompkins is a deep dive, not only into the obvious of how to become better allies, but also how we can deconstruct both active and passive homophobia in our society.

While it's important to alway be kind, that just isn't always enough. Taking the time to learn and comprehend, both someone's struggles and their triumphs, allows us the full human experience of connection and understanding. Not only can we better understand one another but we can also push for change, not only in our everyday conversations but in our communities as a whole.

While there were so many parts of this book that connected with me, the religious undertones was a bit off-putting, as it wasn't something I was expecting when read the premise. All in all, this book was super powerful and information for me as a parent and member of our community, but the execution didn't quite work for me as a whole. 3.5/5 stars.

Thank you to Rowman and Littlefield Publishers for my gifted review copy.

At first when I saw Tompkins book Raising LGBTQ Allies I was curious if it was actually a deep dive into raising LGBTQ+ children or if it was just a simple “How to be a good ally,” written by a straight, cis man. But immediately after beginning the first chapter, I was blown away. What I had thought was going to be an easy, “be nice to Queer children” book quickly became an informational deep dive into how we can deconstruct homophobia in our society, but also why it grows so rampant in our society in the first place.

Tompkins greatest argument is not that we should just simply tolerate Queer people to be nice or because we want to support our children while pretending Queer children’s differences don’t matter, but that we should learn to be better allies to our Queer children so that they can become the greatest, happiest and truest versions of themselves. By peeling back homophobia in a heteronormative society, Tompkins begs readers to ask the question, and many other very important ones, why do we believe the things that we do? Tompkins labels this, as “Messages from the playground,” or put more obviously, the subconscious messages kids and adults send to others based off the things they do or do not speak about. Tompkins strongest and most interesting point is that sometimes the things we do not speak about speak louder than the things we do speak about. In other words, passively accepting Queer people quietly is not the same as vocally supporting Queer people outwardly.

Throughout the book, he brings in his life experience with teaching youth and adults about LGBTQ+ inclusivity, bringing up topics such as: Language we use; the stories we tell and what kind of beliefs we impart to our children with the stories we tell; Spirituality and the importance for Queer people to maintain belief in a higher being, whether that be through organized religion or through the self; Mindfulness to others experiences; and also mindful meditation practices that give an individual a safe space to evaluate why they believe the things they do.

By going through numerous examples of day-to-day life, as well as weaving in and out of many different topics, Tompkins gives readers, straight or Queer or questioning, a full picture of how heteronormativity and standards of success affect Queer children well into adulthood while also giving close minded adults a gentle, but very firm nudge to reevaluate the things they believe for the sake of the happiness of children.

For those looking to understand their Queer children, while being 100% honest with themselves, or Queer people looking to see how a heteronormative society affects them, then this book is for you. Not only that, but I found Tompkins book a good step in not only reevaluating passive and active forms of homophobia in our lives, but also a good foundational tool with proper exercises to reevaluate all the thoughts and biases that we may have.

This book is a must-read for everyone, regardless if you are part of the LGBTQIA community, a long-standing Ally or not.

Tompkins states that “growing up in a heteronormative society it is not possible to completely escape homophobic beliefs that exist in the world from Influencing us” (chapter 2). The book tackles a lot of topics including helping us discover the unconscious biases that we project and unfortunately perpetuate without being aware of it purely due to being raised in a heteronormative society. Tompkins asks us to shift the narrative around gender, relationships, queerphobia and bullying to try and have open, authentic and affirming experiences. Another quote that really struck me is that we need to “acknowledge differences without treating everyone as different” (chapter 2).

I can’t stress enough that this book is a must-read for anyone who has children in their life. I will definitely have a copy in my classroom and maybe even a second copy to lend out to parents, friends and colleagues.


Special thank you to NetGalley and Dreamscape Media for sharing this audiobook copy in exchange for my honest thoughts.

#NetGalley #RaisingLGBTQAllies #MessagesFromThePlayground

Raising LGBTQ Allies is a great resource for parents of both openly LGBTQIA+ and presumed cisgender heterosexual children. Chris Tompkins uses his own personal experience as a gay man and facts and statistics from reliable sources. While this is geared towards parents AND teachers, it is centered quite a bit in religion. Obviously teachers can internalize the message if they have religious qualms with the queer community, but it’s not something teachers can bring to the classroom directly.

RAISING LGBTQ ALLIES is about changing the conversation and the narrative around how we discuss matters related to LGBTQ people and the their lives with children.

It was such a fascinating and eye opening read. I was particularly struck by the part about how soon children begin understanding the concept of gender and forming their own gender identity. It really hammers home the need to provide children with open and affirming spaces to explore toys and clothes that allow them to express themselves and feel comfortable and supported in their expressions.

I also really loved the discussion about how silence is still communicating. When we don’t talk about LGBTQ families and people with our children or discuss gender and sexuality in front of and with our children, regardless of age, we are still sending them a message. And it might not be the message we want to send. This is an easy trap to fall into and it was great to hear the call out.

There was so much more valuable insight and conversation in this books and I will be picking up a copy to go back and highlight and tab up, as I listened to this via audiobook (Thanks, @netgalley).

One criticism I do have is in the use of a quote, and then a subsequent discussion of the quote, but CNA. This is a person who has supported transphobic authors, has made transphobic comments themself, and has been generally problematic in other ways. Quotes by her have no business in a book about allyship for the LGBTQ community.

I preference this by saying that I am a member of the LGBTQ+ community, but I do not have children. But so many of us have children in our lives even if they are not our own. I have nieces and nephews, friends kids, neighbors children that all can be influenced by how I act around them and treat them. I feel like this should be a book all parents, teachers or anyone in the position to influence children should pick up. Though take it with a grain of salt. It might not be your exact parenting style but there are some great takeaways that make you think about things from a different prospective. I'm glad I picked this book up!

It is incredible what we have been conditioned to do and say as people generally, and even more incredible (and awful) what we have been conditioned to do and say as parents. This book will make you think about those heternormative and gender-specific ways that you talk to your children and how you can be more considerate in making sure you are speaking inclusively. I hope all parents will consider reading this but others could benefit as well (teachers and coaches for example). We have so much work to do. We all have children in our lives, so we could all benefit from a change in perspective.

I cannot recommend this book highly enough; I’m recommending it to all of my friends, my children’s teachers, our pediatrician…everyone! The author does an excellent job breaking down the complexities of how we form biases and how to unlearn some of these hurtful ideas and replace them with “heartful” ones. I especially appreciated learning more about the best language to use when talking to my children (or anyone else) and the exercises included to examine why and how we have the beliefs we do around the LGBTQ community.
The narrator was great and read in a nice, conversational tone making it easy to listen.
This is a very informative and helpful book, and I am grateful to Chris Tompkins for writing it.

*Thank you to NetGalley, Dreamscape Media, and the author for an ARC of this audiobook in exchange for an honest review*

Wow. An excellent book for ALL parents to read.

Chris walks you through many practical ways that parents and adults who have children in their lives can make small and big changes to not only make their child feel love and supported as a LGBTQ+ youth, but also show kids how to be an ally to the LGBTQ+ children they will meet on playgrounds and within their community.

We all have learned gender roles, biases, and homophobic thoughts. Many LGBTQ+ children internalize that homophobia and carry it with them their whole lives. By addressing our own homophobia, we can help stop from passing that one to our kids, and also give them the tools they need to work through any they may internalize.

So many parents think their kids are too young to talk about being queer, much like they think their kids are too young to talk about racism. The fact of the matter is, that if kids are young enough to understand that people have boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives, then they are old enough to talk about the different ways in which people can be partnered. We as parents need to move past our own discomfort and homophobia to have these important conversations with our kids. The longer we stay silent, the more we pass on the message that anything other than heteronormativity is wrong/strange/weird/taboo/not ok.

This is a great tool for any adult who wants to be a more conscious caregiver.

***Thank you to Dreamscape Media for providing me with a copy of the audiobook for free via NetGalley for an unbiased review.

As a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, I wanted to consume this book even though I am not yet a parent. Many of us have children in our lives, and I think we can all gain something from this "parent guidebook." There are so many lessons and messages that I think adults all around me can benefit from. We all have our subconscious biases (even myself as a member of the community), and Chris Tompkins points out some of the ways that we can "unlearn" them, and present information differently to the generation we as a society are raising.

"I saw that children will learn anything we teach them. They can learn acceptance just as easily as intolerance.

Tompkins speaks in length about the heteronormative and gendered ways we talk to children. He gives many examples of how we can raise our children not to think as members of the LGBTQIA+ community as "different," just that those individuals may have a "difference" from you/them. Tompkins also gives many examples of how our language still sends a message to children and others that members of the LGBTQ community "need accepting," which means that there is something to "accept" or "bad." Even as a LGBTQ individual who consumes a lot of queer content, I still learned some things about the way I think or speak about myself. I think this is a book that is easy to consume, and that we can all learn something from.

I only rated this a 4 because of the repetitive nature, and I personally didn't love the exercises in the audiobook.

#RaisingLGBTQAllies #NetGalley

“If they’re old enough to know what a girlfriend is, they’re old enough to know about the LGBTQ community” - I’m paraphrasing here because since I have this as an audio, I’m unsure of the exact quote - but this is the gist of it. I love this. My aunt has a wife. I have always been truthful about this with my boys. In fact, my two oldest were at her wedding. I’ve been told my children are too young to be exposed to that lifestyle while at the same time, these people are teasing my boys (at ages 7, 6 & 5) about their “girlfriends”. If that’s okay, how are they too young to know the truth behind my aunt and her wife?
We do live in a heteronormative society and this is where that attitude comes from. I’m open and honest about the LGBTQ family members I have - especially when the kids ask. It’s something I’m doing to do my part in normalizing anything that isn’t the standard cisgender heterosexual.
This has been one of my favorite “parenting” books I’ve read so far. It helps give me insight into ensuring that my children are given the tools to be effective allies - or to know that their mom is an ally for them if they are members themselves. This is a great book whether you’re a parent or not. It talks about how to be an effective ally and how to discover if you really are an ally yourself. It’s uncomfortable, but necessary for many of us.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - only because when the audiobook is slowed down to 1x (the standard), he speaks so slowly that it is actually boring and takes away from the story.

Shoutout to NetGalley for the audiobook copy of this one!

Reviewing
Raising LGBTQ Allies
By Chris Tompkins

In this timely release Tompkins does a wonderful job of providing excellent examples and clearly outlined methods that parents and mentors can use to improve communication and understanding towards the LGBTQ community. Expressing the importance of language and how we can change the narrative in our homes and communities to create a more loving,
open minded culture for future generations

Raising LGBTQ Allies is enlightening and will be an invaluable tool for many parents, teachers, and mentors.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 4 stars for this well written guide with a PG rating

I was incredibly impressed with this book and will recommend to colleagues, parents and friends.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/54331641

Chris Tompkins book should be required reading for all parents. It is so important to recognize any subconscious biases that may impact the perceptions our children develop regarding the LGBTQ community. This book really teaches parents the ways they can raise their children to be allies and advocates. Children are born without many of the biases imposed by religion and culture - so it is so important we do everything possible to raise them without fostering prejudices or pre-judgements.

I’m glad that I read this - Tompkins provided excellent examples with clear methods to improve communication and play a part in eliminating bullying. Our words mean so much, as does what we do not say.

The first half or so of this book was very informative - discussing how changing the language is key to changing how people think of the LGBTQ community. But as soon as the author started discussing religion he spoke about how people can be allies while still hanging on to their biases. And that kind of talk is just dangerous. You cannot be an ally while still thinking someone is lesser than you or should have less rights than you.

Even with that wrinkle, I still gave the book 3 starts because the activities and lessons for the children are worth it. Just know that you cannot hold on to old biases and be an ally. That is not actually possible.

I would like to thank the author, publisher, narrator and Net Galley for providing me with a free e-audio ARC copy of this book in exchange for my review.

I am a parent (of 3 'new adults'), and I hate parenting books. I haven't read them for many years, and usually avoid topics labeled under 'parenting'. But when I saw this title I was curious as it's been a big topic in our home for the last few years, with more talk of gender issues and topics and inclusion. I like to think of myself as an allay, but I also feel outdated. I feel like I learned a lot with this book, and I can see myself sharing it with others and revisiting the book. In fact, I just placed an order for a print copy for reference.

Books like this are hard for me to rate - there's the information shared in the book, the way it was written, my reactions to the information - and for this one, the narration as well. I really, really enjoyed the book, so I'm going with a 4 star rating, though I did debate a 5 star.