Stone Cold Bastards

Stone Cold Fun

When I started reading this, I wasn’t certain. A book about a band of gargoyles – excuse me, grostesques – that are trying to save the last of humanity seemed a little hard to buy into.

However, within a few chapters, I was in. I loved our stone heroes – especially Morty and his cigar.

As with all of Jake Bible’s books, expect humor, action, and simply good storytelling. There are moments to break your heart and moments that make you want to get out your guns and fight for humanity.

Most of all, it’s just plain fun!

Forget clawed mutants and moody men of steel. Jake Bible’s Grotesques are the heroes this world needs. Stone Cold Bastards is outright bloody fun. I love zombies, and I’m a fan of the author’s Z-Burbia series, but I think this was much better. It is a gust of fresh air blowing away some of the rancid post-apocalyptic rot pervading the genre.

Sometimes you just want to watch the world burn. If you cannot watch it burn, then you at least want to see geysers of blood and rib-cage battering rams. If none of those are available, chocolate will suffice. Luckily for me, I didn’t need to resort to chocolate. Jake Bible’s Stone Cold Bastards gave me all the head-bursting violence my blackened heart could want.

It also appealed to the teen in me. The one who discovered the show Gargoyles and sat in front of the TV for hours on end, watching the protectors of New York kick evil guy butt. Though you daren’t call the Stone Cold Bastards anything other than Grotesques, it’s clear there is a resemblance. Living stone attached to a sanctuary, moved halfway across the world to America, and taking up their positions as guardians. These herculean heroes of various proportions are a bit cruder and less puppy-doggish than the Gargoyles I knew and loved, but they have an undeniable appeal. Especially the shotgun toting fairies with mouths that would make a sailor blush.

Though Stone Cold Bastards doesn’t exactly hit the ground running, by the time you’re halfway through the book, you’ve forgotten the real world exists. A literary treat that will have you on the edge of your seat, always ready to do a fist pump and cheer the Grotesques on. Morty and company burst to life in your mind’s eye. As tension builds and the violence becomes almost non-stop, it’s impossible to put down.

And Bible’s world in Stone Cold Bastards is a scary one. There are no zombies, but instead there are demons. In this new post-apocalyptic world, the gates of Hell have opened and demons are queuing up to take their turns in the meatbags there were inheriting the earth. But human bodies can’t contain the festering rot of evil for long, and as the book opens, there’s only one Sanctuary of uncorrupted humanity left. What makes this so scary, though, is that in this world all it takes is eye contact to become possessed. Bible takes something that we take for granted, and twists it effortlessly into something with terrifying consequences.

By the time I was 30 pages from the end of Stone Cold Bastards, I was grinning like a loon. After it had finished, I went full on fangirl squealing and bugging my book-reviewing compadres to put it on their To-Read list immediately. I haven’t shown so much geekish excitement over a book since I read Andy Weir’s The Martian a few years ago.

Even a few days later, I still grin every time I think about the awesomeness that is Stone Cold Bastards. It’s an unashamedly campy, no-holds-barred post-apocalyptic thrill ride that will make you cheer. And maybe do a little Snoopy dance. (Or maybe that’s just me. What can I say? Some gals go gaga for romance, some go nuts for butt-kicking.)

How could I pass up a book called “Stone Cold Bastards” with a hero that’s a cigar-chomping gargoyle, umm, I mean grotesque, charged with saving humanity from a demon invasion?

I couldn’t, of course. So that’s why the latest from Bram Stoker Award-nominated author Jake Bible leapfrogged to the top of my to-read list.

The situation is dire. The Gates of Hell have opened, and most of the humans in the world are husks, walking around possessed by the demons that escaped. Think “The Walking Dead,” only the zombies are far more malevolent.

Humanity’s last hope may lie in a small sanctuary that was transplanted to the Appalachian mountains years ago. Inside lives a ragtag group of gargoyles and grotesques who woke at the same time demons began spilling into the world. They were imbued by their creators, the Stonecutters, with one goal, protect the wards within their sanctuary from harm. So far, the Gs, as they call themselves to avoid confusion, have held strong, but Hell is coming.

“Stone Cold Bastards” features, at least to me, a premise that you can’t help but want to explore. On the surface it sounds absurd, and you want to see if Bible can pull it off. He does fantastically. While there are some lead human characters, they really fade into the background around Morty and his colorful cast of cohorts, who steal the show. The glimpses into their backstories that we get make me want to learn more about them, particularly the mysterious Roan, the dragon atop the sanctuary that holds himself a bit apart from the rest.

The tone and tempo of Bible’s story reminds me quite a bit of Larry Correia’s Monster Hunter series, and that’s not a bad thing at all. It’s an action-packed book that doesn’t take itself too seriously. "Stone Cold Bastards” delivers exactly what you want out of a story featuring gargoyles protecting the last members of the human race from a demon invasion – it’s fast, it’s fun, it’s colorful and it’s one hell of a good time.

This was my first experience with Jake Bible, but it won’t be my last.

I'm already a fan of Jake's work, so I really enjoyed this book. Very entertaining and unique story. A great escape from reality for a good few hours.

Stone cold bastards by Jake Bible is a horror and sci-fi and fantasy read.
He'll is about to bring the end of days. The sanctuary is the only safe haven left for humans. A team of misfit gargoyles come alive and ready for battle during the End of Days. They guard the last cathedral-turned-sanctuary atop a bald knoll in the North Carolina mountains.
Absolutely fantastic read with brilliant characters. I loved how the gargoyles came alive to protect people. Very cleverly written. I loved the ending too. Highly recommended. 5*. I voluntarily reviewed an advanced copy of this book from netgalley.

I've been interested in author Jake Bible's works for quite some time, even going so far as purchasing several installments in his Z-Burbia series, but never quite taking the reading- plunge. After finishing Stone Cold Bastards, I'm so eager to get my hands on anything and everything with his name on it (and actually reading it...). His style has been touted to me by several friends as "strange and weird mixed with the fantastical", and they were right on the nose with that one. Strange and weird always calls my name, and I foresee Jake Bible and I getting along like old pals.

In Stone Cold Bastards, humans are far and few between, and one must always beware of any humans found outside sanctuaries. Hell has been opened, demons are running amok, and humans are their unwilling hosts. Gargoyles and grotesques are the new leaders, and it's up the G's to make sure what's left of humanity survives. Although it seems as if the town surrounding the sanctuary is the last town.

I can't recall when, or even if, I've read a book with gargoyles as the main characters, and Bible creatively incorporated so many various types of them. But what really set this apart for me was the super interesting magic that surrounds the stone creatures and in many cases, the amount of gargoyles that are without magic altogether. Add to that the whole Stonecutter premise, and I was instantly hooked. The pace was the only thing that was a little off for me - the story did take a while to really get moving but once it did, it was nonstop excitement.

Bottom line - so glad I finally got around to reading something by this author. His style really appeals to me with the mixture of weirdness, fantasy, and magic and I can't wait to finally dive in to his other works and series. Highly recommended.

Only a crazy mix of gargoyles stands between humanity and extinction in this over the top tale of a demon apocalypse which has alot going for it as it ladles imagination by the bucket load. On one level it’s really dumb, all these supernatural creatures, which are in some ways decidedly human, mashed up in a fight to the death with some really nasty nasties. Sure it’s crazy and silly, but it’s also very creative and inventive fun and you’ll soon find yourself rooting for the gargoyles and grotesques in this short, punchy novel. Morty is the main character and he most definitely reminded me of Hell Boy, Morty shows plenty of character, attitude, and has a heart of gold (stone actually, but you know what I mean). Humanity buzzes around in the background and before you know it you’ll quickly know the difference between a gargoyle and a grotesque. You’ll also know not to ever eat raw squirrel, unless you want the s***s. Fun, fun, dumb, very imaginative fun. You don’t always have to take yourself seriously in fiction and that really is a good thing.

Only a rag-tag team of gargoyles stands between humanity and extinction.

Hell has released its ravening horde of demons, leaving most of humanity a puke-spewing, head-spinning mess of possession.

Humanity’s last hope? A team of misfit gargoyles—including a cigar chomping, hard-ass grotesque—come alive and ready for battle during the End of Days. They guard the last cathedral-turned-sanctuary atop a bald knoll in the North Carolina mountains.

Gargoyle protection grudgingly extends to any human who can make it inside the Sanctuary, but the power of the stonecutter blood magic, which protects the sanctuary, may not be enough when a rogue grotesque and his badly-wounded ward arrive.

All the hounds of hell are on their heels. The last Sanctuary is about to fall.

Ahh, my favourite fictional sub-genre – the end of the world. Always a joy. I may have mentioned this before, I can’t remember? I do love me some apocalyptic fiction. The latest Armageddon to grace my review pile is Stone Cold Bastards by Jake Bible. The gates of Hell are open and they are spewing forth a demonic horde. Our last line of defence? A mismatched collection of humans and living gargoyles.

The main story focuses on a monster called Mordecai, Morty to his friends. Within a handful of pages, I was picturing a cigar chomping, mildly cantankerous type who grumbles a lot but will do anything to protect his charges. I’m thinking something akin to Ron Perlman’s Hellboy hewn completely from basalt, you get the idea. Morty is grumpy but with a heart of gold, that is, if he had a heart which obviously he doesn’t.

When it comes to the other characters, the rest of the gargoyles are a pretty diverse bunch.

Artus is ancient and wise, Geffe is loyal to a fault, Roan is majestic, Xue is ferocious and Coins just plain defies expectation. They are a weird collection alright. The humans are a pretty unusual group as well now that I think about it. In particular, there is a medic called Highlander who is wonderfully odd.

Turns out if you’re made of stone and you’re going to be fighting possessed humans by the bucket load, then things are going to get messy. Just try to imagine a big concrete fist smacking a head with unbelievable force, I’d suspect there would be an almighty squelching sound. Essentially, in a very roundabout way, I am attempting to highlight the fact that Stone Cold Bastards has some beautifully gory moments. Those amongst you with a delicate disposition may wish to look elsewhere. I loved it though. The final epic battle was particularly squishy.

It’s always nice when you learn something new when you read a novel. I now know the difference between a gargoyle and a grotesque. Who said fiction can’t be educational?

I’m going to leave my music recommendation pretty fuzzy for this read. I suppose it goes without saying that it has to be rock (oh come on, be honest you were all expecting it). The question is which rock band. I’m inclined to learn toward AC/DC. Thunderstruck could easily be the theme for this entire novel. Album wise For Those About To Rock, also AC/DC, wouldn’t go a miss either.

My only criticism of Stone Cold Bastards, and it is a minor one, is I think this book would have benefited from being a little longer. There is some backstory that I would love to have seen filled in. We learn a little about how the various characters end up in the last sanctuary, but it doesn’t feel as though it is quite enough. I’d imagine many of the gargoyles has been around for quite some time. There must be other stories that have been left untold.

That tiny quibble aside, Stone Cold Bastards is loads of fun. My advice – grab yourself a fine cigar, crank up your favourite rock album, grab a cold beer and get reading. Who knew Gothic architecture could be so damned entertaining?

Phew, that’s a relief, I managed to get through the entire review without using the words pulverise, smash or icky mess…dammit.

Stone Cold Bastards is published by Bell Bridge and is available now.

Fabulous! Great world building, loving the characters, will be looking for more by this author!

Such an enjoyable read-- atmospheric, gothic,andthrilling. Recommended!

This one is listed under both Horror and SciFi & Fantasy, but it has some very light hearted and even funny moments, albeit with a fairly dark premise. Hell has unleashed all its demons and the only thing saving humanity is a ragtag bunch of gargoyles (technically grotesques for most of them) that come to life through blood magic and guard the last cathedral sanctuary on Earth.

Human possession is common and everyone is preparing for the end of days. How cheerful. Yet the characters are quirky and bring more than a few laughs. The story is enjoyable, though heavy on dialogue and character driven with only occasional sojourns into description. I found the effects of having a stone body interesting in how it affected the characters' ability to do things and withstand assaults from the demon possessed humans, though apparently obsidian can cut stone. Flight came down to just magic. Sometimes the author has to either concede Physics or use magic.

Part two threw me a little as it started with some new characters and basically a new storyline, though set in the same time and place. Familiar characters soon joined in, but I found this part slower going than the first. It does have significant plot development though and towards the end I could see how everything fit in.

Part three is pure action, laced with testosterone poisoning. Things get a little gruesome at times and it's not for the squeamish. There were some emotional moments as well, and I found the end satisfying. Overall an enjoyable story with some original elements.

I was super pleased with this book. Seriously, I really enjoyed it! It is a little hard to get into for the first couple of chapters, but don't let that throw you off. There are a lot of characters to try to get to know at first, and it slows the book down, but you quickly catch on to who's who, and then the book just sucks you in.

I loved the story line. The whole premise is amazingly original and super well done. The gates of hell have opened and humans' last lines of defense are gargoyles and grotesques. It makes for one HECK of a story. I love the unspoken comparison between humans and all their frailties and gargoyles/grotesques being nigh on invincible.

The characters are super well done as well. I absolutely ADORE Morty. He is great. ALL the gargoyles and grotesques are great actually. There was not a single one of the stone G's (As they are called) who I wasn't invested in in one way or another.

I was also quite fond of the character of Highlander. I couldnt stop picturing him as the kid who plays Norman Bates in Bates Motel...mainly because I just saw a trailer for his new show "The Good Doctor." Google that trailer and then read this book, and you will totally understand what I am talking about.

The book truly did keep me engaged until the very end. The action was great, and the blood, guts, and gore were spectacularly well - written. I highly recommend this book. Period.

I really enjoyed this book. Gargoyles are such a welcome change from the other horror monsters in books today. Read it!

This is the first book I've read by this author. I loved this story. I highly recommend it.

- - Received copy through NetGalley - -
L

There are not many humans left but there are gargoyles (grotesque) who will protect them from demons if the humans can reach their sanctuary.
I found this to be a bit of a different but welcome read. It seems to be fantasy/horror with a bit of humor spicing it up. I really enjoyed reading this one and wished it could be a bit longer.
I received a copy of this book from the publishers via Netgalley for free in exchange for my honest review.