You Are the One You've Been Waiting For
Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships
by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.
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Pub Date 09 May 2023 | Archive Date 12 May 2023
Sounds True Publishing, Sounds True
A groundbreaking approach for practicing courageous love and resilient intimacy—from the creator of Internal Family Systems therapy.
Do loving relationships end because couples lack communication skills, struggle to empathize, and fail to accommodate each other’s needs? That’s a common belief within and outside of the therapeutic world… but what if it’s all wrong? In You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For, Dr. Richard Schwartz, the celebrated founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, offers a new way—a path toward courageous love that replaces the striving, dependent, and disconnected approach to solving relationship challenges.
The breakthrough realization of IFS is that our psyche contains multiple parts, each with a life of its own. Most problems in relationships arise because we unknowingly burden our partner with the task of caring for our disowned and unloved parts. In this book, you’ll discover essential insights and tools to foster healthy dialogue with your parts and your partner, including:
• How to recognize and disarm the cultural assumptions that create shame, guilt, and isolation in relationships
• The Three Projects—why we fool ourselves into thinking we must change our partner, change ourselves, or give up on true intimacy
• Finding and Healing Exiles—transforming the way our most vulnerable parts influence the way we treat each other
• How to reorient relationship conflicts to help each of us grow toward the Self—the center of our clarity and wisdom
• Courageous Love—building resilient intimacy with each other and our parts to create healthy, lasting partnerships
“No one can do the work of healing our orphaned parts for us,” says Dr. Schwartz. “Yet when we begin with Self-leadership, a relationship can become a safe place in which we help each other heal and grow.” Here is an invaluable guide for therapists and laypersons alike to promote connection, trust, and understanding—within yourself and with the one you love.
Available on NetGalley
Average rating from 3 members
You Are the One You've Been Waiting For by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D is a broad range overview of his theory of Internal Family Systems and its application to our experiences in intimate partner relationships. IFS makes the assertion that our psyches are made up of different parts of us (inner child, inner critic, shadow self, etc) and by understanding and accepting all our parts we are made more mentally and emotionally healthy. The parts of us we so often deny or reject need to feel seen, heard, and understood in order for us to integrate all of our inner voices and to lead a more fulfilled life. As a result of integration of our parts, we are also better able to enjoy more rewarding relationships.
I really loved No Bad Parts and feel that You Are the One You've Been Waiting For is an expansion of that first book. Dr. Schwartz provides us with case study examples from couples he has counseled using the techniques of IFS. The goal is for each person in a couple system to recognize how they may be bringing exiled parts of themselves into the relationship with their partner while unconsciously wishing for their partner to rescue or fix them. Dr. Schwartz reminds us that we have to take the lead towards witnessing and integrating our parts, a process he calls self leadership. When we allow our Self to become the primary caretaker of our exiled parts we can enjoy our lover for who they are and not who we want them to be. This then leads to more understanding, safety, and intimacy in the relationship. This healing process also results in both parties of a couple system feeling seen, understood, and accepted.
I loved the analysis of The Gottman Institute 4 Horseman of Communication and appreciated the points made about how placating behaviors are not addressed in this model. Dr. Schwartz reminds readers that people who change themselves or abandon self in order to be loved by a partner are playing a one-down game that will have drastic consequences for their mental and emotional health and well-being.
This book is a very helpful addition to the literature on working with couples . Therapists will learn practical new tools and an accessible, creative approach to the work and readers will learn a lot about how to improve their relationships.
Thank you to the author and publisher for the e-arc copy!
Read this book years ago, and it continues to remain a classic. I love IFS and often use it in my clinical work as well as daily life.
Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.'s new book presents a novel approach to cultivating healthy relationships. Drawing on his extensive experience in Internal Family Systems therapy, the author challenges conventional beliefs around the causes of relationship problems. Instead, he suggests that the root of these issues lies in the psyche's multiple parts, and that resolving them requires a different kind of inner work. Through engaging and accessible prose, the book provides essential insights and practical tools to help readers foster healthy dialogue with their inner selves and their partners. With its emphasis on courage, resilience, and self-leadership, this book offers a fresh and empowering perspective on love and intimacy that will resonate with anyone seeking to deepen their connections with others.
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