An empowering, healing guide that reveals the true cost of avoidant behavior in a relationship—disconnection, disengagement, and divorce—and shows how we can instead learn to speak up and start connecting with the ones we love most.

“I wish I had spoken up sooner."

It’s a common myth that couples enter counseling fighting like cats and dogs. In truth, says licensed marriage and family therapist Colette Jane Fehr, her office is usually far quieter. It isn’t fighting, but rather conflict avoidance, that causes the deepest ruptures in romantic relationships. But most couples don’t see the problem until it’s (almost) too late.

Avoidant behavior—the need to “keep the peace” rather than dealing with conflict head on—isn’t our fault. Our ingrained attachment wiring urges us to sidestep day-to-day disputes and brush lingering problems under the rug. But staying silent is a losing proposition in the long term—leading us to self-abandon and essentially “quiet quit” our relationships, which robs us of deep, meaningful connection and inner wellbeing.

In The Cost of Quiet, Colette Fehr shines a light on the epidemic of avoidant behavior and shows us how to have the hard conversations that lead to stronger connections and lasting relationships. Drawing from the latest attachment science and evidence-based therapies she’s used to repair the bond between hundreds of couples, Fehr gives us the tools to approach our partner with openness, honesty, and vulnerability. The ultimate goal: a closer, securely attached relationship that doesn’t avoid conflict but rather engages with it in a positive, productive way, and the greater sense of confidence and empowerment that comes from speaking up for yourself in your relationship.