So When Are You Having Kids
The Definitive Guide for Those Who Aren’t Sure If, When, or How They Want to Become Parents
by Jordan Davidson
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Pub Date 06 Dec 2022 | Archive Date 13 Dec 2022
As we expand our understanding of what “family” means, we need to change the way we think about having kids.
How much does it cost to have kids? How long can I wait? What if I have fertility issues? And, wait a minute… do I even want kids? If you’re unsure whether you want kids or struggling to decide, this book is for you.
So When Are You Having Kids? is not your parents’ parenting book, nor is it a how-to for getting pregnant. It’s a nonjudgmental, inclusive guidebook for women, men, gender-nonconforming people, same-sex couples, and prospective single parents who want to make an informed decision regarding if and how they bring children into the world. Combining research with over 100 compelling real-life stories, the resources in this book are as diverse as the generations they’re meant to serve.
With deep insight and empathy, Davidson explores:
• Ways to cope with familial and societal pressure to have children
• What makes a good parent, and the skills you need to be one
• The facts about infertility, adoption, fostering, and alternative methods of becoming a parent
• The real financial costs of having and raising kids
• How to move past fears related to pregnancy and childbirth
• The ethics and consequences of having kids in the face of climate change
• And, what it means to choose a child-free life for those who are unsure whether they want kids
So When Are You Having Kids? is a much-needed resource for family planning in the modern world, packed with the knowledge and tools you need to make one of the most important decisions—if not the most important decision—of your life.
Available on NetGalley
Average rating from 24 members
I thought this was an interesting and insightful book. There are so many different things that go into the decision of whether or not to have kids, and this book was thought provoking and easy to read. The author did not try to bias the reader one way or another, and seemed to touch on many important topics.
Thank you NetGalley for this ARC!
This book stands out because while there are many guides to pregnancy and parenting, there isn't a lot of information for people who are trying to decide whether or not to have children. This author helps prospective parents to understand all the reasons why or why not people decide about children. The book is notably inclusive of the entire spectrum of people -- transgender, LGBTQ+ and their needs and perspectives. This is an outstanding title and would be very useful in any public library collection.
This was a great read and an essentially needed book for many readers in their 20s and 30s. I found it very helpful and illuminating, especially the practical information like budget outlines and descriptions of the IVF process. I liked how the information for queer families was integrated throughout and not sequestered for its own chapter. The interviews were great and I enjoyed reading personal stories from a variety of people. I would've enjoyed reading a bit more about adoption and foster care.
I love reading books that are unlike anything I've read before - and So When Are You Having Kids was definitely different, in a good way! While the content was sometimes overwhelming (not because of the book itself, but because personal reflection and family planning is generally a lot to think about), I really appreciate the topics covered. As a queer woman (with endometriosis), I felt both seen and informed while reading this book. There was a lot that I liked (see below) and I would definitely recommend this book to folks in my life, regardless of identity.
What I liked about So When Are You Having Kids:
-Consistent queer and trans rep
-Intersectionality of content/stories shared: race, class, gender, orientation (including ace/poly folks, which is rare), disability, religion
-The spotlight on the USA's history of eugenics and sterilization laws
-Naming the taboo - including that some folks regret having kids
-Inclusive language (i.e. birthing person, chestfeeding)
-The child-first lens to adopting/fostering, centering the story of those with that lived childhood experience
-The spotlight on how folks who do not want to be pregnant/be a parent are often dismissed.
-Attachment style breakdown
-Normalizing experiencing and recovering from grief (in a variety of family planning situations)
-The oh so relatable, yet complex title
What I didn't like about So When Are You Having Kids:
-I've never heard of the term "queerspawn" before and it didn't sit right with me. As a member of the LGBTQ+ community, it feels dehumanizing.
-Sometimes the content of the book felt unevenly distributed. For example, the fertility sections were pretty in-depth, whereas the adoption/fostering sections felt light. Some chapters had more racial diversity/rep while others had less. Sometimes stories were told in first person, sometimes third and I couldn't see the pattern/reason behind this.
Davidson gives a very comprehensive overview of what goes into the decision-making about having children or not. The book's diverse points of view and non-gendered language make things accessible regardless of gender identity or sexuality. I do wish there was a bit more representation, but overall the other does a wonderful job giving space to all kinds of people. This book is part history lesson, sex ed, and compassionate lessons into parenthood. I definitely recommend this book regardless of where you are in life or your decision-making process in regard to raising children. There is no right or wrong answer here... just a well-rounded guide to help you through the questions and uncertainty that you may have.
This is a really interesting book that talks about all the different elements and considerations that go into the decision whether or not to have kids. I was drawn to it because it promised to be really LGBTQ+ inclusive and nonjudgmental about either decision, and that was absolutely true. There were chapters on many different topics and at no point did I feel like the author was trying to lead the reader towards any one decision. There were also a lot of anecdotes from people in a wide variety of situations that enriched the book. Some examples of topics addressed in this book include: culture and societal pressure/expectations about the timeline of having kids, infertility treatments, adoption and foster care, fear of childbirth, physical and mental changes to expect during pregnancy, birth control methods, childfree living, and so on. Of course, I found myself more interested in the chapters that directly pertained to my own decision, but the other chapters were still really interesting and gave me a greater sense of empathy for people who make a different one. I didn't really know what to expect when picking this up, but I was very pleasantly surprised.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for this ARC!
Incredibly insightful and informative. I felt so validated and seen in several sections, particularly the chapter about fearing pregnancy. It was a delight to read and educate myself on the social structure of parenthood and what I feel my place in that may be.
So When Are You Having Kids is a book for everyone, whether you've always wanted kids, questioned whether you were ready, don't want kids, want help figuring out if you want kids, etc. It is a comprehensive guide that goes through everything that should go into the decision of having kids or not, and what to accurately expect / how to mentally prepare for the results of your decision.
This book is for everyone regardless of gender, orientation or personal values. A personal coup de coeur for the inclusion of different LGBTQIA+ identities throughout the book, rather than doing a "Queer chapter" as some other life guide books do.
This is such a refreshing "Pre-Parenthood" book - I don't think I honestly realised until reading this how noninclusive most of them are, so it really was a breath of fresh air to read something like this that took the time to include all sorts of people and situations and decisions and give them equal consideration.
There are lots of first hand examples given, but the really nice touch about this is not all of them are embedded in the main text of the book - many testimonials are presented alongside without the author adding anything to them. I thought having different experiences peppered through in their own words, and not quoted or paraphrased as part of a larger point, was really great.
I would say that this book is very US centered so is probably most useful for those based there, but there's still a lot of really good information and things to ponder on that you can get from this living elsewhere (such as in the UK, where I am.)
I went into this book as someone who has a pretty good idea (now!) of what I want in terms of parenthood, but this was still a really nice read that helped me think about some anxieties I have, and I would've really loved to have read this quite a few years ago - I think it will be very helpful and comforting read for many who fall outside the standard heteronormative mould.
So When Are You Having Kids by Jordan Davidson is the perfect family planning book for millennials, Gen Z, and all that follow. It is the most inclusive conversation I have seen regarding societal and familial pressure for having children, and the interviews provide perspectives from people in almost every walk of life. With the U.S. in a seemingly dystopian state of stripping rights away from individuals, now is a scary time to reflect on what it means to start a family. This is the first family planning book I have read that highlights different types of families, alternatives to parenting, and how queer families may look different. Davidson is not aiming to provide answers for every issue that might arise, but offers a warm and understanding ear through this nonfiction guide.
I requested this book a week before the world fell apart. If there ever was a time for me to ask the question “Do I *really* want kids?” It’s now. And with this book fresh on my mind as my rights were stripped away by SCOTUS and the state of Mississippi….. I did a very deep reflection on my feelings with this book in mind. Needless to say, it helped me guide my choices in light of this terrifying reality. If you’re like me and are unsure of how the recent court rulings make you feel about the future on top of your pre-June 24th feelings, this may help.
Davidson captures completely what it is like to be a young person (at any point of their life) and being asked that very daunting question. Even while we prefer to overlook people who believe they have the right to ask any question they want about relationships, kids, and marriage and expect an easy answer, I believe we can't ignore them either, especially when they are relatives, colleagues, family, and friends.
Well, as much as they desire answers, I believe that it will ultimately be the parents/guardians, regardless of gender, who will determine whether they want kids or don't want kids, and how to have them when they do.
This book serves as a fundamental guide to assist such parents in making a clear decision and determining how to proceed regardless of which option they choose. Each of these major subtopics has four basic sections (Do You Want Kids?, Should You Have Kids?, How to Have Kids, and You Don't Want Kids). As a young person who did not have gender affirming parents this book was a breath a fresh air.
ARC provided by Netgalley.
This book made me feel so much better about my decision to not have kids. Living in the Deep South in the U.S. as a woman includes so much pressure to have children. Everyone either assumes you have them by a certain age or assumes something is wrong if you haven’t. Thank you for writing something for those of us who can’t decide/have decided against!
So When Are You Having Kids by Jordan Davidson is a refreshing read for open-minded thinkers in the older generation, and a useful gift for the younger. It is a common-sense, inclusive guidebook in which LGBTQIA couples are included and woven into the book naturally. A noted point that caused me to think differently about how we put couples without kids on the spot is the idea that people will feel free to ask if you don't have a child, but never ask you why, specifically, you had a child if you do. Highly recommended. Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC.
Thank you, Sounds True, for the advance review copy. 🏳️🌈Pride Month Recommendation 🏳️🌈
Even though we tend to ignore people who feel they have the right to ask any question they want and expect an easy answer regarding relationships, kids and marriage, I do feel we can't ignore them too, especially when they are relatives, colleagues, family and friends.
Well, I say as much as they want the answers it us ultimately the ones who are going to be the parents/guardians irrespective of their gender who are going to decide when they want kids or do not want kids, and how to have them when they do.
This book is such a basic guide to help such parents take a firm decision and how to go ahead no matter which answer they choose. Basic four parts on each of these important subtopics (Do you want kids?, Should You Have Kids?, How to Have Kids, You Don't Want Kids).
Many, I say, many need to be more aware about gender and sexuality. It's time to be no longer ignorant on this topic. Live and let live.
This was a super informative guide for anyone who is questioning whether or not parenthood is right for them. I bookmarked multiple sections that I would like to go back and reference in the future.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the free e-copy.
Thank you to NetGalley, Sounds True, and Jordan Davidson for this ARC. I voluntarily read and reviewed an advanced copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
The quick review for this book I can not wait for this book to become a sisterhood of the travelling pants of my library collection when it comes out because I truly believe everyone could benefit from reading it with tens across the board.
I love how much I learned from this book with over 100 personal anecdotes from a wide range of identities and over articles of research this text covers more topics than I can count under the umbrella of do you want kids, should you want kids, how to have kids, and what if you do not want them.
I loved how rich the storytelling in this was and how the author truly painted a holistic painting of family planning. Instead of relying on broad strokes to relate to the largest possible audience. I fell in love with how many small, yet specific strokes were made to relate to a broad audience but through the very small differences that make us all human, whether it be socio-economic status, gender, race, ability, and so, so, so much more.
I love when you can tell an author puts so much love and care into their work and you can tell how many times this must have been drafted to create the masterpiece I read over the course of the last month.
This book is going on my list of books everyone should read at least once to get a larger idea of family planning and if this author ever published again I will immediately read more!
I've found this book very helpful. I don't know if enjoyed it is the right term because some of the questions/topics have given me a lot of anxiety because I still don't know if I'm making the right decision. But regardless, I think that this was a really great resource to dig into a lot of the questions around whether or not you want kids. I do think that in some of the chapters, it got a little bit into the weeds and it felt like it lost track of where it was going a little bit, but overall, this was an excellent book. I appreciated all the perspectives that were compiled into it and woven throughout. For the most part it didn't feel like it was pushing one way or the other but rather just exploring.
A book I didn’t know I needed until I read it. Existing in this world is hard in and of itself and Davidson gives a detailed, nuance discussion of the pros and cons of having children. The ethical burden of having kids in a world where hate crimes and climate change weigh heavy on everyones minds and the struggle to distinguish between genuine want of kids versus societal pressure are 2 things constantly on my mind. Davidson’s words are validating and makes me want to share this book with my mom.
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